The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury:
I am a sweet little brother, innocent of all wrong and doer of only good deeds. Butter doesn’t melt in my mouth. I am keeping this secret diary so that other little brothers in the world will know that they are not alone in being the most unloved and persecuted human life form on the planet. Is there anybody out there who loves us?
Sometimes, when poor little me is tortured by the vicious half-Nelsons, dead legs and ear-twists of my big brother (who’s a lazy cheating liar), and the poisonous tongue and towel slaps of my big sister (who says she loves every boy in the world except me), I am forced to get even in any way I can. It is my hope that some of my revenge tactics might prove useful to other little brothers faced with evil brothers and sisters who are twice their size (and half their intelligence!)
Nervous Readers BEWARE!
Some readers may be shocked by the appalling physical and mental torture to which I am subjected to by my big brother and sister on a daily basis. Some may think me heroic and wonderful (and handsome too, if you could see me), for suffering this torture without a word of complaint. Some may want to send me money or put a statue of me up in Trafalgar Square with my name on. Some may even want to liken me to Gandhi or Jesus. But if it’s a toss up, just send the money, because I’m saving up for a motorbike when I’m sixteen.
(Alistair Fury – Aged 11, from “Bugs on The Brain”)
Alistair Fury has written six books and appears on BBC1 and CBBC in The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury
A hilarious series…Stand up comedy in book form.” TES
THE REVENGE FILES OF ALISTAIR FURY does what it says on the tin. It’s a series of funny stories centred around the wild and immoderate revenge missions of an embittered boy, as he takes on his family, friends and everyone else in the world. He is the littlest in a family of five, last in line for everything good and first in line for everything bad. It’s about brothers and sisters getting more pocket money than you, about having the smallest bedroom in the house, about always getting the littlest portion at supper, about never watching a telly programme of your choice, about being ignored, about being the youngest – it’s about getting revenge for all that and more………
The Fury family (Mum, Dad, Melanie (17), William (15) and Alistair (11)) live at 47 Atrocity Road, in a largish house in a cosmopolitan-class street in an unspecified, noisy metropolis that could easily be Leeds or London or Newcastle… The house is always in a state of extended chaos, except, of course, for the brand new designer kitchen – mum’s sanctuary. She is a D list celebrity, a TV chef for a cable station called The Wifestyle Channel and makes her shows at home.
Alistair sets up a secret gang called The Revengers and enlists the help of his best friends Ralph and Aaron to carry out his revenges.
They set up a website, www.doctorrevenge.com where other oppressed Little Brothers can share revenge tactics, and log on to their glorious leader’s daily-diaries containing Alistair’s important mission statements, innermost secrets and intimate confessions. Why not go and see his blogs now?
Or to see some of their exploits: http://uk.youtube.com/doctorrevenge
It’s not restrained comedy, it’s revenge comedy! It’s swapping the soap in the shower for a piranha fish so that William gets his bum flayed; burying dad under a deluge of parachuting mice; rigging the sofa in his bedroom so that it eats his brother and sister when they monopolise it for snogging. Alistair actually goes out and does this stuff! He hypnotises his teacher to jump out the window after an imaginary Tom Cruise; he digs a man trap in his bedroom floor which his granny falls through; he fills Mel and Will’s trainers with dog sick; he disrupts a live broadcast on The Wifestyle Channel with three dozen stick insects, a handful of rats, a boa constrictor and a dead gecko; he prints lies about William in the local paper; he tricks Mel into kissing a dog’s bottom; he builds a terrifying monster and brings it to life; he covers his brother in stale wee and sweeps his parents up in a cargo net. Nobody is safe from The Eye of Revenge!
Alistair’s permanent fury is not helped by a whispered conversation that he overheard on the landing one night, whilst getting himself a glass of water from the bathroom – “Just think,” said his father. “Only three more years and our kids will be off our hands forever!!” “Yippee!” came Mum’s reply. In three years time, Alistair would still only be 14…
Well, you know what they say; You can take the child out of the megalomaniac, but you can’t take the megalomaniac out of the child!
The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury – Bugs On The Brain
My big brother and sister, William and Mel may have been on my mum’s TV programme before but this time it’s my turn… unless they can stop me. Oh, why are the chips of the world stacked against me like a potato mountain? No matter, revenge will be mine! Or rather mine, the Revengers’ and a boa constrictor called Alfred. Let loose the snakes of doom and see how they like it then! I shall have my revenge before you can say “peanut butter and jam sandwiches!” Actually I shouldn’t have mentioned peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Forget you ever read that. If you don’t, I may have to kill you.
The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury – Dead Dad Dog
Everyone in my family’s got the I-can’t-do-anything-for-myself-lurgie. This means I am a slave nurse. The WILL be sorry when I take my revenge! But first I have to sort out Mrs Muttley. I’ve told her I can’t do any more piano lessons, because my fingers have fallen off, but she won’t believe me. Then there’s the canary suit Mum wants me to wear on my hot date – that’s got to go. Luckily I can count on the support of the Revengers – my ONLY friends. We’ll invoke the spirits of the dead and scare the willies off the rest of them!
The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury – The Kiss of Death
British beef and French mustard
Go together like snails and custard
I know that sounds like one of mum’s gross TV-chef recipes, but actually it’s a love poem for Giselle, our French exchange girl. Everyone’s trying to impress her – my brother William, the Revengers, Colin the builder, me… I thought if I said something beautiful to Giselle she’d like me best, but I could only think of, “Bonjovi. J’apple Alistair”. It didn’t set her heart on fire…unlike the shed which turned into the barbecue at Mum’s boring Bondi Beach party! Me and the Revengers want to throw a proper party with kissing and crisps. If Giselle comes to that she’ll see how attractive and mature I am. Ooh la la!
The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury – Tough Turkey
Christmas is the best time of year. Only dead people or people without a telly don’t enjoy Christmas… or little brothers (i.e. me!) My family is doing its best to ruin my childhood.
I wish I was King Herod and could do them all in! But I am not King Herod so I will just have to make do with help from my fellow Revengers, Mr E and the little baby Wayne.
Hark The Herald Angel’s sing
I will get my revenge in!
The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury – Summer Helliday
Howzat! Strawberries and cream! Hayfever! School’s broken up and I’ve got the chance to be a celebrity at last! There’s a film audition down the road and I’m determined to get that main part even if it means I have to kiss Mrs Muttley’s warty hands to get dancing lessons.
Mum wants to drag me off on a family caravan holiday, but that clapped-out old toilet-on-wheels won’t come between me and super-stardom.
Nor will the caravan.
The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury – Exam Fever
Question – How can I stop Mum and Dad discovering that I am the thickest one in the family? A) Cheat at all my exams? B) Change my family? C) Make brother and sister fail their exams too?
Answer: All of them.
Originally The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury was published under the title The War Diaries of Alistair Fury so you may find them for sale on the internet or in your library under this title.
THE WAR DIARIES OF ALISTAIR FURY (Random House Children’s Books)
Bugs On The Brain (ISBN 0-440-864763)
Dead Dad Dog (ISBN 0-440-864771)
The Kiss Of Death (ISBN 0-440-86478X)
Tough Turkey (ISBN 0-440-864798)
Summer Helliday (ISBN 0-440-86591-3)
Exam Fever (ISBN 0-440-86592-1)
The Revenge Files (ISBN 0-440-86681-2)
Two books in one! Contains both Bugs On The Brain and Dead Dad Dog.
The War Diaries of Alistair Fury have also been recorded onto audio cassette by Robert Llewellyn from Red Dwarf and Scrap Heap Challenge.
THE WAR DIARIES OF ALISTAIR FURY (Chivers Children’s Audio Books)
Bugs On The Brain (ISBN 07540 63534)
Dead Dad Dog (ISBN 07540 63534)
The Kiss Of Death (ISBN 07540 63534)
Tough Turkey (ISBN 07540 63534)
Summer Helliday (ISBN 07540 63534)
Exam Fever (ISBN 07540 63534)